When we think about forgiveness, it can be helpful to define what forgiveness is and isn’t. 

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Forgiveness is not:

• Pretending the offense didn’t happen
• Excusing the sin
• Immediate restoration of trust/closeness
• Removal of healthy boundaries
• Avoiding talking about what happened

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Forgiveness is:

• Releasing your right to personal vengeance and entrusting justice to God (Romans 12:19)
• Choosing to seek the other person’s good rather than their destruction
• Guarding your own heart against bitterness
• Releasing the debt

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Forgiveness is often a decision before it is a feeling. Sometimes we are able to quickly forgive and release someone who has hurt us, but when an offense is very hurtful, we usually have to choose (sometimes daily) to forgive. Feelings often follow obedience. Especially when the offense is ongoing, there is a need for ongoing release of bitterness. 

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The power of prayer- 

Our hearts can only find true transformation through the work of the Holy Spirit. When we are walking through a situation that requires forgiveness, we must first and foremost, bring it to the Lord in prayer. This is often a continual process, not a one time plea. When praying through forgiveness, we bring both honest lament and our desire for obedience. Hebrews 4:15 reminds us that we do not have a High Priest who is unable to sympathize with our weakness, but one who “in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet [was] without sin.” Because of this we are able to draw near to Him “with confidence” that we may “receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” The Lord promises to meet us in our weakness, comfort us with His presence, and give us the strength we need to release bitterness and resentment. Not only is praying for our own hearts important, but it is also beneficial to pray for the good of the other person. In Matthew 5:44, Jesus challenges us to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us. Though difficult in practice, this is often the thing that moves the needle in our own hearts and the catalyst for change in the heart of the other person.

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Christian counseling- 

Sometimes we need help in our forgiveness journey. There are many Christian counseling organizations that are trained to help along the journey to forgiveness and reconciliation. If you are struggling to release bitterness or are living in a situation where there is ongoing need for forgiveness, professional help might be needed.

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Be wise with how you speak- 

Scripture connects forgiveness with the way we speak about the person who hurt us. Luke 6:45 says “for out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks.” Even when someone’s actions were genuinely sinful, God calls us to guard our words. There are times we may legitimately need to speak about what happened. When we do, we should focus on speaking truthfully, but not vindictively. We can check ourselves by asking, “Is my goal in speaking about this to help or to hurt?” “Is rehearsing this creating healing or more resentment in my own heart?” 

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Abusive situations

While the Bible does call for forgiveness, it does not call us to enable true abuse or remain in situations where there is continued harm. Reconciliation (restored relationship) requires confession, repentance, and change. Forgiveness can be offered by one, but reconciliation requires willingness from both parties. Additionally, trust must be rebuilt after an abusive situation. Trust is earned through consistency. It is wise to set up healthy boundaries when there is a situation of abuse. Even Jesus, who embodied both grace and truth, knew when to welcome and when to withdrawal. Healthy boundaries can  protect you and others from harm and create space for the other person to recognize a genuine need for repentance/encourage them to seek out help with a personal struggle. Sometimes the most healthy response is forgiveness with distance, either for a period of time or indefinitely.

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