Grace Filled Home Lived Out
By: Ben Glassman
A grace-filled home isn’t a home without mistakes. It is a home where mistakes are met with forgiveness, humility, and hope of reconciliation and restoration of peace.
It is grace that allows parents to admit when they are wrong and humbly model repentance to their children. It is grace that teaches children failure is not the end of the story. It is grace that encourages spouses to show mercy instead of keeping score.
Living with grace is a daily choice. Here are a few practical ways to daily cultivate grace in your home:
Prayer as the foundation
When we begin to intentionally focus on grace, we shift the goal of our role as parents from behavior modification to intentional discipleship of our children. Too often we can become hyper-focused on our children demonstrating the “right behavior” and miss out on the opportunity to shepherd their hearts and point them to their need for a Savior. We must be parents who pray for the hearts of our children- that they would know Christ and His grace, that they would have soft hearts, willing to repent, and that they would be people who are quick to extend forgiveness. Prayer is the catalyst that brings about change in hearts and relationships.
Teach and model how to ask for and extend forgiveness
When tempers flare or expectations aren’t met, we can remember that Jesus always meets us with mercy. Because we have received grace from Him, we are free to extend grace to others, even when it is difficult. Colossians 3:13 encourages us to “bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” One helpful way to intentionally model how to approach forgiveness is to give your children simple scripts they can use when they need to apologize or receive forgiveness. Scripts can give your children words for how to take responsibility for their sin, express remorse, make amends, and restore the relationship.
For confession and receiving of forgiveness
When your child has sinned and needs to apologize, use this script:
*NOTE: Even if the behavior was only an accident and not a direct sin,
it is still important to acknowledge what happened and apologize.*
- Confession: “I’m sorry that I _______ [specific action, ex. Broke your toy].”
- Acknowledge the impact: “I know that made you feel ______ [sad/angry/frustrated].”
- Ask for forgiveness: “Will you please forgive me?”
- Offer to make amends (if applicable): “Can I help fix it?”
Then extend forgiveness
When someone has asked for forgiveness, use this script to help your child show grace:
- Acknowledge: “Thank you for apologizing. It did hurt my feelings when you ________.”
- Accept the apology: “I forgive you.”
- Full circle of restoration:: This could be an action or an expression. Maybe it’s a hug or a fist bump, or a phrase you repeat each time, ex. “Brothers forever”.
Self-forgiveness
Children (and adults) often struggle with internal guilt after a sinful action or behavior. Teaching them to see themselves in the light of Christ’s grace helps them be able to forgive themselves and move forward. When addressing this with your child, you can use this script:
- Address the sin: “I did not make a wise choice today. I ______ [gave into my sinful desire, was quick to anger, spoke unkindly to my sibling, etc.].
- Moving forward: “I apologized for what I did. I asked for forgiveness from God and from ________. The Bible says that because I have repented, I am forgiven and healed. Next time I will ask the Holy Spirit to help me with _________.” (Use 1 John 1:9 and James 5:16 as a reference)
- Thankfulness for the cross: When children understand the magnitude of their sin and their need for a Savior, it creates in them a greater understanding of and appreciation for the cross. As their comprehension of this grows, encourage them to express their thankfulness to Jesus for His sacrifice with a simple prayer. “Thank you Jesus for going to the cross for my sin and for the gift of your grace for me.”
Practice overlooking offense
There are often many types of conflicts that can arise throughout the day in the home, especially between siblings or between husband and wife. Some of these conflicts need to be addressed right away, but many of them can be overlooked (ex: thoughtless comments, minor inconveniences, someone forgetting to say thank you, differences in personality). When we overlook an offense, we are intentionally choosing not to let every little thing take root and cause bitterness in our hearts. The Bible presents this as an act of wisdom, humility, and a way to show love. Proverbs 19:11 states “Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.” Overlooking offense is less about minimizing what the other person did and more about refusing to let the offense control your own heart. Here are a few ways to go about this:
- Pause before reacting, ask yourself:
- Was this actually sinful, or just something I didn’t like/not my preference?
- Could there be another explanation for this? Am I overreacting/reading into this?
- Will this still matter a week from now?
- Assume the best until proven otherwise: 1 Corinthians 13:7 reminds us that love “believes all things”, meaning we give people the benefit of the doubt instead of immediately assuming the worst motives.
- Remember your own need for grace
- Choose not to replay the offense: One of the biggest obstacles to overlooking an offense is replaying it mentally. When something comes back to mind, you can pray, “Lord, I have chosen to forgive this. Help me to let it go and bless this person.”
- Pray for the person: It is difficult to remain bitter towards someone you are consistently praying for.
Demonstrate different ways to show grace
Sometimes demonstrating grace isn’t about sin, but about deferring to weakness and doing what is within your control to protect peace in the home. At times we may need to stop doing something that is irritating the other person as a way to show love to them. Instead of using language like, “Your brother is being too sensitive right now” or “She just needs to get over it”, you can reframe thinking by saying something like, “You have an opportunity to show grace to your sister right now” or “You don’t have to stop, but love often chooses to give up their own way to serve the other person”. You could also adopt an overarching family motto that addresses issues like this. For example, “In our family, we choose to give up little things to protect big relationships” or “In our family, we don’t insist on our own way when love can solve the problem.” Here’s a framework you can walk through with your child that might be helpful in the moment:
- Is what you are doing wrong?
- If yes, stop immediately because it’s wrong
- If no, continue to question 2
- Is it important that you keep doing it right now?
- If yes (ex: finishing homework, practicing piano), explain why and look for a compromise
- If no, continue to question 3
- What would be the best way to demonstrate grace in this situation?
- Grace asks, “Can I gladly give this up/stop as a way to love and serve my sibling right now?”
*NOTE: It is important to teach the other side as well (overlooking offense). The child who is bothered also has a responsibility. They should learn to distinguish between actual hurt, preferences, and minor irritations. This will prevent them from using “you’re bothering me” as a way to control everyone else.
